An Online Dating Profile...

Word on the street is that most dudes take online dating too seriously. Here's what mine says.... Obviously, I take this dating site very seriously...

I am a single male hominid seeking a female to inspire me to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than I already am. Anyways, all these views and winks... C'mon ladies. Y'all are crazy. Is winking still even a thing in real life? I think that stopped being effective in the 80's... Now it's just plain funny. Just send me a message with your favorite cheesy pick up line you've heard from other dudes on this site. I hear it's a laugh riot.

About me:
So.... I was raised in a Cretaceous-like swamp outside of Baton Rouge in a small village of serfs. My emaciated family lived in a 120 year old house. We had chickens, ducks, dogs, and cats and they swirled gleefully around our barn. Animals are cunning, beautiful, and deliciously wicked. I have a red Australian Shepherd and she can catch a wild pig in mid-air. Anyways, I spent my childhood there, running through the swamp at break-neck speeds and weaving through the dense foliage like a savage wraith. It was there that I honed my impressive agility and set up booby traps for unsuspecting foes who slurked through the foreboding forest. (Slurk is a word I made up to define a person who slinks while lurking.) I eventually ate my family and became alpha male in the village until I was politely asked to leave by the local authorities.

All of that was kinda true. I hope you enjoy reading, by the way. Did you enjoy that fairy tale?

Anyways, I lived in New Orleans for a few years and I moved back to Austin a year and half ago to start a new business. I haven't looked up from that until now. So, I just made a vow to try at least two new places to eat and hang out every weekend until I can't find any more places. I'd like someone to join me for fun times, people watching, etc. I enjoy dive bars but also like dressing up to impress you and going to museums, plays, operas, etc. I'm cultured, dammit!

I have a beautiful red Australian Shepherd and she's by my side always.
She can catch a 50 yard frisbee pass like it's nothing.
I bring her almost everywhere I go, so that's kind of a thing.
Prepare thyself for the massive influx of cuteness as it engulfs your soul!

I cook every day. Do you bake? If you just said yes, then I am already on my way to kidnap you.

Furthermore:
I make my bed every day like a big boy.
I go to the gym 2-3 times a week but I'm no muscle head.
I love stand up comedy, chocolate and peanut butter, and NFL football.
I have a few tattoos. None on my pretty face or legs though.

I started a company specializing in decorative concrete last year, so I make money and get to be creative. Congratulate me now.
I also write songs, play guitar, create art out of junk, and rebuild bicycles in my spare time.
I always have to have a project. I am handy and productive. Put me to work.

About You:
You should appreciate the outdoors. I want someone who wouldn't mind living in the jungle for a couple of weeks to learn how to shrink heads. You should have a really good sense of humor, as I don't. I'm very serious all of the time. If you're crazy, jealous, constantly depressed, never planning on actually meeting in person, or a fem-bot, then apparently, I'm your man.

I'd like something simple and low stress. Just a quick meet up at first. Actual "First Dates" are stressful and demanding. So, meeting at Butler Park or Auditorium Shores would be cool. Then, putt-putting, bowling, stand-up comedy, pool, or maybe just coffee and crossword puzzles. Getting drunk pre-meetup would not be advisable, unless we both agreed to do so. Should I even have to say this? Anyways... Let's swap spit in a canoe, camp out under I-10 with the bums, and busk for change on Red River.

Pop Quiz!
Why do you want to to contact me and go on a date?
a.) I'm freakin' hilarious.
b.) I've got a sparkling personality and rugged good looks.
c.) I remind you nothing of your ex.
d.) All of the above

Looking Forward to your Response,

Dillon